You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head