You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
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Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit