[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
You Might Also Like
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
October already? What’s next? November????
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum