You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
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Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.