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My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
When he asks for feet pics
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
This is me 🤣🤣
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.