@arcaduh: You don't have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
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@robotmouthfarts: [Half of my body is already in the anaconda] "Is this a date? This feels like a date."
@G_Faylor: [Scientist discovering catfish] Scientist: What kind of fish are you? Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*
@tkhan74: I've been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don't know how to tell her I forgot her name.
@karentozzi: Welcome to middle age, here's your card. You'll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.