@arcaduh: You don't have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
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@WheelTod: [Lab] Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?! Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we'd be mapping the genome in sequins
@Brampersandon_: WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
@Roflindian: By iPhone 30, you'll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
@MattOswaltVA: couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom