@arcaduh: You don't have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
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@birbigs: Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
@spacexsam: Forever tricking animals into thinking I'm patting them when really I'm just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur
@dreamthievin: No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.