You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today