You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.