You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
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The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
“That’s what” – She
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.