You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
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Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.