You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
#winning
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
birds and squirrels envy us
british sex workers really pound for pound
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
(by @ZachWeiner )
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
And then there were 4
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.