You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
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I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
an octopus is just a wet spider
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea