You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
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Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
boat question
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”