Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.