You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.