You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
fired
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k