You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.