You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
You Might Also Like
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before