You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
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Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere