Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
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The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.