My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
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“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
normalize having existential bread
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you