You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter