You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
You Might Also Like
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
asking santa clause for nudes
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
…u ok Nintendo?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.