You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.