You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
“Sheer Arrogance”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome