Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
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Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Bike is short for Bichael.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve