Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
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Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Hank is one in a melon.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
is this a threat
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
How to properly lift a body