You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
This rocks
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.