You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
You Might Also Like
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Its true…
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
From my Mom
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles