making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
You Might Also Like
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing