you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
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Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S