You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I’m sorry…what?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
just witnessed a drug deal
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
*pronounces fake like saké*
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.