@FattMernandez: You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!
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@markleggett: ACTORS: It's easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says "Did you see that?" say "Nope".
@jessokfine: [Me at job interview] And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
@KateWhineHall: Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line, I don't understand.
@aplethoras: me: why do i feel terrible brain: coffee is not a food group brain: eat a vegetable brain: sleep me: guess we'll never know brain: oh my god