That lamp looks PISSED.
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Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*