A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
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Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
So glad we cleared that up
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot