[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
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Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
That lamp looks PISSED.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
People buying plungers never look happy.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.