You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
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Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur