I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
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I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Always…
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Every work meeting this week
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these