Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Life is a suicide mission.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen