Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
oh you wanna fight?!
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.