You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
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Your honor these allegations are
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.