There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
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Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.