@Vodkantots: You had me at, "we'll make it look like an accident."
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@4boding: My daughter asked me to help her find a job because she’s learned enough in school. She’s 5.
@AnkCoupleTO: *first date* Me: Tell me more about you Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN'T STABBED ANYONE LATELY Me: *deletes Tinder* Let's get married!
@GreenishDuck: Can't believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.