“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
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If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*lint rolls you awake*
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”