ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
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Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
IT’S-A ME,
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.