FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
you will never know the true number of layers
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down