This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure