You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.