You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN