“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
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[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Yup….perfect score!
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.