my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
found this cool rock hiking today
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine