i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help