Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
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All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!