You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
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“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫