@shesananteater: You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that's older than you.
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@murrman5: "you're too polite" I am not [two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn't usually bark at strangers
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
@Carter_TCB: One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.
@thatUPSdude: HR: What are some of your strengths? Me: Shifting the blame HR: That's a horrible reply Me: No, your question was! HR: Wow, you're good!